


but the morning always comes

by butterflybooks



Category: Young Avengers
Genre: Depression, F/M, M/M, Past Character Death, Rape/Non-con References, Spoiler: Children's Crusade, Young Avengers: Children's Crusade
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-25
Updated: 2012-11-25
Packaged: 2017-11-19 12:39:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/573358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/butterflybooks/pseuds/butterflybooks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He can’t believe in a version of events where there was a magical moment in which everything became fine again.</p>
<p>It would erase too much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	but the morning always comes

**Author's Note:**

> MAJOR SPOILERS UP TO CHILDREN'S CRUSADE
> 
> Character Death refers to canon deaths. This fic deals with Billy's state of mind and as such goes into the mind of someone with depression. Be mindful of your triggers. 
> 
> The references to rape also deal with canon.

Most people would like to believe that Billy was sad for a while before Teddy pulled him out of his funk and the Avengers summoned him for help and everything was fine again.

Billy would like to believe that too.

But the simple fact is that believing in things that aren’t real feels dangerous for him. Reality is reality (until it’s not) and what happened will always have happened (until it hasn’t). Forgetting won’t do anything. It won’t bring Cassie or Vision back from the dead. Won’t erase the fact that his mother was almost murdered by the heroes he had worshipped as a child. It will just make things untrue.

So he can’t believe in a version of events where there was a magical moment in which everything became fine again.

It would erase too much.

*

For example, this:

Billy pulls at Teddy desperately; he wants to forget, he wants oblivion. He wants to feel like he might be normal again.

Teddy lets him.

Billy knows in the back of his mind (in that place he’s trying not to go anymore) that this isn’t fair to Teddy. That they’ll wake up the next morning and everything will still be the same. He’ll still feel… like he’s going through the motions, walking through life without touching the sides.

He puts his hands on Teddy’s bare shoulders and buries his head in his chest and for a moment – just one moment – he is still.

He feels Teddy’s lips on his head, against his hair he murmurs Billy’s name like a mantra, as if it might bring him back.

He wants to reassure Teddy that he’s not going anywhere, that he meant every word he wrote in that stupid letter, that he’ll never actually leave him.

He doesn’t, but he leans up and tries to find oblivion.

Afterwards, Billy lies with his back to Teddy, feels a hand trace the veins in his arm, his name murmured like a prayer. He wants to say, _don’t worry_. And, _I’m sorry_. And, _I just need time_.

He doesn’t. He closes his eyes, feels eyelashes brush over his cheek and murmurs,“I’m here.”

Only he isn’t. Not really.

*

It would be forgetting about this:

Cassie’s gravestone is next to Vision’s. He wonders if Kate’s right. If they’re really together somewhere. Someplace. He’s never really believed in that (it doesn’t feel like he _can_ – not now) but he closes his eyes and hopes all the same. It is a clear dawn, the sky a watery blue and the weak sun providing little warmth against the chill in the air.

Mainly he just feels numb, older than he was – and tired.

The grass has grown up around the gravestones, he kneels – unaware or uncaring as the morning dew seeps through his jeans. He closes his eyes, he doesn’t have to speak anymore. When he opens them, the grass is cut and a few flowers grow in place – poppies for Cassie, and white lilies for vision. He can’t quite say why.

“And I thought no one would use their powers anymore.”

Billy scrambles up and turns to face the familiar voice. Eli looks taller, somehow. Lit from the back by the sun, he stands in a zipped up jacket and black jeans. Strange, really, how without the costume he looks more like a hero.

“I was just-”

Eli holds up a hand and moves closer to the gravestones.

“Do you know what’s buried here?” He asks, gesturing at Vision’s grave.

Billy shakes his head. “Nothing, I don’t think.”

“I suppose thirtieth Century tech can’t really be left in a graveyard for any passing body snatcher to dig up.”

Billy flinches; if Eli notices he doesn’t comment.

Eli stands for a while before saying, softly, “Kate’s been here.”

Billy follows his gaze to a purple ribbon buried in the dirt. He bends down to pick it up, but Eli reaches out a hand and grasps his wrist. “Don’t,” he says. “it’s a tribute.”

He must notice how Billy has stiffened in his grasp because he release his hold. Billy attempts to act unconcerned, but it has been a long time since anyone has been allowed to touch him apart from Teddy. His parents have – in the main – stopped trying. It is a hard thing, to know that he is pushing people away, but being unable to stop it.

As if Eli can hear his thoughts, he asks, “How’s Teddy?”

Billy shrugs. “I don’t know, really.”

Eli’s eyes narrow. After a pause, he asks, “How are you?”

Another pause. “I don’t know that either.”

Eli hesitates, and holds up a hand like he might put a hand on his shoulder before it drops back to his side.

“I thought you were in Scottsdale.”

“Only a day trip,” Eli replies. “I wanted to come here, but-“ he makes a sweeping gesture with his hand. “It doesn’t make it feel any realer. Does it?”

It feels plenty real enough to Billy, but he doesn’t say so.

Eli looks at him for a moment, shifts slightly so the light hits Billy in the eyes. He squints slightly.

“You should talk to Teddy,” Eli says. “We need each other.”

Billy feels a hot surge of fury at that (it surprises him, he hasn’t felt fury or– anything, really, in a very long time) – it’s all very well for Eli to say that. He _left_. He-

Did what Billy would have done - given half a chance. What he has done in a lot of ways.

“We may not be superheroes anymore,” Eli gives a wry, self-mocking smile. “But we- we were.”

Eli turns away then. And Billy thinks that _he_ might not be a superhero anymore, if he ever actually was, but that Eli might never stop being one.

But Eli is gone, his figure retreating into the distance, and Billy is left with only the dead.

*

It would erase this:

Wanda comes to see him a few times. It’s awkward, because she’s his mother but she’s not and she’s killed people but she didn’t mean to and he somehow feels close to her and far away at the same time. If anyone was able to understand what he wants to say it would be her.

If he could bring himself to speak.

She tells him of what she’s doing, trying to fix the mistakes she made. He can see wounds that she hasn’t healed – assumedly the result of angry former mutants. He almost reaches out to heal her, as she had done for him, so many years ago, but who is he to deny someone their penance?

“Do you remember-” he suddenly says, probably interrupting her. “When we met outside the Avenger’s Mansion?”

After a hesitation she nods. “I felt like I should comfort you. I didn’t understand why.” She gives a duck of her head to the obvious.

Billy ignores her. “I didn’t take your advice.”

“Oh?”

“I didn’t-” he leans forward, fists knocking uselessly against each other. “Didn’t stand my ground. And when I did- I almost killed someone.” He blinks away hot tears.

She lays a tentative hand on his shoulder and says, “Almost.”

He lets out a desperate choke of laughter. Those sorts of distinctions will only matter to them.

“I think,” she says slowly, as though talking to a skittish colt. “That with our powers…” She pauses. “We have to think differently to other people. We don’t need to forgive ourselves, but we need to not let guilt consume us. And we need to try and make it better.”

He doesn’t know how.

She takes her hand off his shoulder and begins talking of small things. Things easily explained. Not things like the roaring, churning power inside him, the potential he has for destruction or-

Or something else. He closes his eyes and sees magic spark like he hasn’t let it in so long.

*

It would be forgetting this:

Billy’s face is pressed against the window, staring out at the city landscape but still struggling to see it.

He hears the door click, hushed voices in the hall, and feels a dim stir of curiosity. It’s new, so he swings his feet off the window sill. Teddy has only just left, so it can’t be him unless-

He stops that thought in its tracks.

It’s not Teddy.

Kate has not changed. Except in the ways that she has. 

She’s not carrying a bow, but she still looks like she could take on anything. Her face isn’t more lined, but it still looks older in some indiscernible way– although he has always thought Kate looks older than him. 

Her smile is different – but that might be his fault.

“Hi Billy.”

“Hullo,” he says, his voice dry and raspy from not being used.

She nods as though something has been confirmed, sets her jaw and comes to sit by him on the windowsill. She draws her legs up so one hangs off the windowsill, one propped against the window. Her hands are loosely clasped in her lap and she stares at them as she begins to speak. 

“A long time ago-”she starts, then lets out a huff of annoyance. “No, that’s not right dammit.”

Billy has a horrible feeling he knows where this is going. “Kate-” he starts and, without thinking about it, reaches for her hand.

She looks down at where he holds her hand, startled, her eyes darting up to his face. To his surprise she laces their fingers together and starts to speak again.

“A few years ago,” she says, her voice more definite now. “I was attacked.” She takes a deep breath and Billy clamps his jaws together. He feels a minute pressure on his hand to let him know that his silence is appreciated. “But that’s not- for a long time afterwards, I felt like I couldn’t control anything anymore. And I wanted to find a purpose. I wanted to help people. Or I thought I did. I thought there was some magical fix to what I was feeling, that I could get through it on my own if I just- I don’t know. Tried hard enough or something.”

She takes another breath. “Billy, I was wrong. I just didn’t know it until I joined the Young Avengers. It turned out that having a purpose was all well and good – but what I really needed was people.” She sighs. “Billy, our situations are not the same, and I don’t know what you’re going through, but I know you can’t do this by yourself. You need to let people help you.”

She stands, tugs at her shirt. “That’s all I came here to say..

She’s halfway across the room before he finds his voice. “Does anyone else know?”

He sees her head jerk up. She has this way of steeling herself, “Cassie did,” is all she says, and then, throwing it back over her shoulder: “I’m here if you want to talk.” And then she is gone.

*

And this:

Tommy is still a sociopath. But he might be quite a nice one. He’s been playing video games on the sofa for about two days straight whilst Teddy is out of town. Billy has a fairly strong suspicion that Teddy asked him to, but it’s not like he had to _do_ it.

Except, well, they are sort of brothers.

“So,” says Tommy, laying the controller down beside him. “Do you want a game?”

Billy realises he’s been standing in the doorway watching him play for about ten minutes now. He hesitates, but, well, Tommy is kind of awful at hand-eye coordination even if he _can_ do it faster than anyone else.

Twenty minutes later, they’ve played three games and Billy has won two out of the three (by the third Tommy has begun cheating and it is slightly touching that he waited that long).

“We’re brothers,” Tommy says – apropos of nothing. He grits his teeth. Billy can actually _hear_ him do it. “Do we need to talk about that?”

“Re-incarnated souls of brothers,” Billy corrects. “And no.”

“Thank god,” Tommy says, taking a mouthful of chips. “Best of five?”

*

The truth is, there is no magical turning point, no quick fix. Instead there is this:

A cold blanket of fear has settled over his thoughts. It is a chilling certainty: Teddy is going to break up with him.

It is the only thing he has feared in quite some time. He can cope with everything else – but not that.

It’s like being on a speeding train – he can’t stop it. He can see that he’s being impossible. He won’t talk to Teddy, won’t talk to anyone. _Can’t_ talk to his parents – they’re too… far removed from all this. He feels like he likes them this way. He won’t _do_ anything, can’t feel things the way he used to. The worst part is that he can feel that changing, but it’s not enough – the process so frustratingly slow – he can’t ask Teddy to wait any more.

He can feel the tension building in Teddy. He knows that whilst he can only feel cold fear, Teddy is a volcano ready to blow. He wants so badly to do something, to fix it somehow. But Billy can’t be fixed. It’s not- It’s not…

“Billy, it’s been _months_. Enough is enough.”

Cold certainty, he knew this was coming. God if he isn’t still terrified.

“I’ve tried to be patient and supportive… But you need to talk to me – or to Wanda – or to someone – right now. No, I take that back, you need to talk to _me_.”

He can’t. Hecan’thecan’thecan’t.

“I’m sorry.” It’s all he can say.

“You should be,” he feels like he’s been slapped. He knew this was coming. It shouldn’t hurt this much. “Because if I’ve learnt nothing else from all this… I know that life is way too short for you to be sitting here _wasting_ yours.” There is a pause. “And mine.”

He knew this was coming. “Are you breaking up with me?” 

“And give you another reason to sit in the dark doing nothing? Sorry Kaplan. You’re stuck with me.”

Billy’s head shoots up. He wants them. He realises. He wants to _fight_ for them.

“Till death do us part.”

It takes a moment to process that, and Billy is on the edge of a smile, in banter that feels far too familiar. “Teddy Altman… Did you just _propose_ to me?”

It doesn’t feel like a saving grace. It feels like the train’s slowed down and now he can see where it was always heading.

“Depends,” Teddy says, a soft smile curving on to his face – like he recognises him again. “Are you gonna get off your ass and do something?”

It suddenly seems so simple. Not a magical fix (even his magic can’t do that) but something to work towards. Everything everyone’s been saying… and he finally gets it. He has something. He has…

Teddy.

Kissing him is like coming home. He has done so in the past few months, but this isn’t a way to fix himself, this is the realisation that he _can_. 

The Avengers summoning them seems kind of secondary to that. If he’s honest.

*

Billy is not suddenly and unexpectedly OK. That only happens in stories and lies. He sometimes stares into the darkness with grim certainty of what he can do and what he has done. Still has moments where he waits a beat too long to reply, feels off in his reactions. But now he lets people pull him back.

He would like to believe in magical fixes (he feels like he should, really. Given everything) but that would be a disservice to everyone who had helped – and to himself.

He didn’t snap his fingers. He fought. And he won’t give up. He just has to keep going.


End file.
